It’s Valentine’s Day. A day to eat upwards of five pounds of chocolate shamelessly, to express your affection with an economical arrangement of flowers from Walgreens and to pretend that what you wanted most from your significant other was in fact that stuffed giraffe holding a heart. Today more than 150 million Valentine’s Day cards will be en route to special someones across the globe, at least 15 percent of women will send themselves roses, and three percent of pet owners will ask Fido to be their valentine. But most obviously, today will welcome an incessant stream of Valentine’s chatter on all social media platforms—from both lovers and loathers of romance.
Social networks have become the ultimate arena for the initiation, bliss and very public cyber demise of so many relationships. The influence of networks like Facebook and Twitter on relationships is so profound, that even marriages are affected. In the UK, law firms have actually reported that Facebook flirtations were cited in 33 percent of unreasonable behavior petitions in divorce cases. Yikes. So imagine the attention given to Facebook and other social networks on this most romantic of days. We can only assume the Web will be exploding with hearts and smileys, nauseating statuses, bitter tweets and jealous holiday stalking efforts. For that reason, we’ve come up with a list of stereotypical Valentine’s Day posts and what they can tell you about a person. So, if nothing else, Valentine’s Day will offer you a satirical psychological understanding of your social network.
“Happy Valentine’s Day to my boo boo bear! <3 XOXO”
The lover has a simple goal—To wish his or her boo boo bear a magical Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, subsequent effects include widespread nausea, eye rolling and defriendation.
“Who honestly gets a bouquet of roses delivered to work anyway? #hopehecallsmetonight”
This person hates Valentine’s Day for no other reason than the fact that “he” hates Valentine’s Day. Behind the roses-are-dumb façade, she really wants a dozen, a hot date and probably a diamond bracelet too. #hopeyoumadeotherplans
The Spoiled Rotten
“I have the best boyfrand EVER.”
Her boyfriend surprised her with a life-sized teddy bear holding a diamond-encrusted box of chocolates shaped like roses with a poem transcribed on each petal. All delivered by a diapered man with a bow and arrow.
“She said YES!”
He thought he was the most romantic human being alive to propose on Valentine’s Day.
“I can’t believe I said yes.”
She thought he was the most banal human being alive to propose on Valentine’s Day.
“It’s Valentine’s Day. I guess I’ll rearrange the spice rack and fold my socks again.”
The victim typically announces on this day how absolutely dreadful their life is. Don’t show up to their pity party. Instead, say something like “Way to go, Karen! You are such a productive person.”
“I (insert full name) love you, (insert full name)! I’m so glad you’re mine and only mine, mine, mine.”
The possessive will not only post this status, they will write it again on their significant other’s wall. Then they will refresh their Facebook page until the post is reciprocated and craft voodoo dolls of every person tagged in a picture with their beloved.
“Should I have enchiladas for dinner? Or grilled cheese?”
This person is entirely unaware of Valentine’s Day and is intermittently watching The Office, clipping his toenails and Facebooking.
“Today I’m going to pinch everyone wearing pink, burn all of my valentines and yell at puppies.”
The rebel is notorious for making a big deal out of those that make a big deal of Valentine’s Day. This person probably once liked the holiday until a childhood classmate refused his valentine gift of playground ants.
“I didn’t even realize it was Valentine’s Day, because every day with you is like Valentine’s Day.”
The suck-up is only effective if the receiver of their message does not burst into a fit of unbelieving laughter…which is laughable itself. This never works, and the suck-up ends up enjoying grilled cheese with captain oblivious.
So whether or not you’re rebellious, uncreative, unaware or even possessive, you post that Valentine’s Day status. Just cross your fingers to have friends afterward.
Becky Cunningham is a writer and social media enthusiast. Find her on LinkedIn here.